tis been a while

i'm back in my cave. everything is getting to me and i'm having trouble keeping on top of it all. i hate living at home. i don't enjoy work anymore... well atleast for today. i'm tired and fed up. thankfully its only an hour until i go home. promtly. at 5pm. i just have no motivation to do ANY over time today.

dont worry.....

.... its only me thats breaking here

Its been a while

Its been a while since i last blogged on here.

i'm single again. i hate it. i hate being me - a failure. all i do now is work to keep my mind occupied. work and sleep. i've found thinking about things - myself - my life is pointless, as is trying to fix whats wrong in my life.

i hate living at home. i hate my family. tomorrow i'm going to down to london for the week. i'm looking foward to the break away from the people up here.

i've stared to cut again on my legs. i dont care who knows. its not a cry for help. its how i cope. the job is so stressful. i'm just managing to keep my head above the water and most circumstances i enter into are way above my skills and knowledge.

i want to cry. all the time. working keeps my mind off it. i figure i'm probably going to drive myself into a mental break down. i dont care. no one cares about me so why should i care about myself. its a rhetorical question. i dont care about myself or how i am.

all i aim for now is mental and physical numbness. i keep a photo of me and my ex on the speaker by my monitor. a reminder of what a true fuckup i am, what i've lost and why i should just stay single.

i hate everything.

things are looking up...

... started dating a lass. shes awesome :) and true, my job situation is rocky at the moment (they're probably closing the branch / maybe a rescue plan in the works to save mine and D's jobs - but then again not sure if i want to keep working for them) but I really don't care all that much. There's other jobs out there.

At the moment tho I'm suffering from a bit of a cold so been nearly O.D'ing on flu and cold meds. All of which are disgusting and all of which I hate and loathe.

Still. I have a girlfriend :D

so anyways

i've got myself an xbox 360 and signed up to xbox live. its only about £5 a month which, isn't too bad.

my bro has an xbox 360 too. he also wants to be on xb live, but doesnt want to pay for it. anyways. i'm sitting in my bedroom, enjoying playing online when he wanders in. first off, i just want him to fuck off because i'm busy actually enjoying myself and secondly, i know hes just going to come and nag on about wanting a go, again, all i want him to do is fuck off and leave me alone.

to be civil and keep life easy, i figure i'll let him play a match or two. he plays one match, then keeps the headset so he can "chat" (or to everyone else, not so much "chat" as "annoy the hell out of") to everyone in the game.

wanker.

then of course, mother wanders in. again, why? you know i hate people in my room, i dont just wander into their rooms and make myself comfortable. so she, yet again is all like "ooh, i want to watch you play this sometime! are you talking to other people around the world? tell them i dont like tom cruise!" - at which point i'm trying to hold my utter fustration in, and not to sound too -whatever- but i manage it. i keep my cool.

but they know it annoys me when they just talk about shit, my mother now becoming especially good at it. "oh great, yeah, eat less then" - whilst in my head i'm thinking "i just dont care, i just dont care, i just dont care".

seriousally. i just do not care. they're always complaining about stuff that they CAN change, but yet don't. and its so fucking pointless just saying that because then they go off in a huff and bug the fuck out of me even more.

yes. i know i'm using bad langue alot, but the point is to try and release some of my fustration.

so anyways. bro seems to want an xb live connection for his, which if we had a faster net connection, not just 2meg adsl, i wouldn't mind. but its just a 2meg adsl connection, with a 212kb -ish uplink speed. its not designed to handle 2 xb live connections at once, and combined with him always having no fucking concideration for others, downloading shit all the time, clogging up the bandwidth... adding another xb live account, would just be too much. he really is a fucking wanker when it comes to concideration for others.

thing is, i dont know if its worth while looking into adsl routers with port-bandwidth limiting capacities, because it is just a 2meg adsl connection.

it was supposed to be going upto 6/8meg, but BT seem to have completey forgotton / ignored the fact we have asked for it, weeks before xmas too!

i dunno. i hate living at home!

cutting doesnt help

the blood flows.
it doesnt help.
but what do you care.
why should you care?
i'm just someone.
you don't care about me.
why should i care about myself.
you told me you loved me.
then you left.
you broke my heart.
so i'll break my skin.
either way.
the pain is still here.
pounding on my heart.
am i depressed?
i dont know.
can i help it?
i dont know.
i throw away the blade.
one blade for one regret. one heart breaking, pounding, regret.
but who am i?
i dont know.
i thought i did.
i though i had it all figured out and knew what was wrong.
now i dont.
i dont care.
the blood is flowing.
i hope for scars.
not for attention but as a reminder about a memory i dont want.
why remind myself about stuff i dont want to remember?
i dont know.
i doubt i'll have any scars.
i dont scar easy.
do i cut deeper?
the risk of doing real damage to my arm scares me.
but you dont care.
then again, do i?
i dont know.
no.
i dont care.
i won't do it tonight.
i'll do it later.
when i'm alone.
its not going away.
the blood solidifies on my arm.
its beautiful.
its me.
i'm not beautiful.
people dont want me.
i dont want me.
figures.
the only time people talk to me is when they want something.
why should you want me outside of being able to help you?
its not like i have emotions and feelings.
its scarcasm. of course i do.
but why should you care about them.
why should you come and make the effort to make sure i'm alright.
i look at my arm again and pause.
its friday.
i have no friends.
i sit here.
listening to music.
its what i do nearly every night.
cant remember the last time anyone wanted to meet up with me.
can't remember the last time i felt wanted or loved.
though i can remember when i was needed.
just needed.
to fix your broken computer.
that was all.
i yawn.
i'm sleepy again.
maybes its because theres a pool of blood on the desk now.
maybes its because i work so hard to make people happy.
who wanted to make me happy.
no one.
not you.
you only want whats best for you.
philosophical.
some say most people are good at heart, will do the right, good thing.
where are they?
i dont know where.
who cares.
not you.

no specific title

when i started to keep this blog, i wanted to update it every couple of days. starting to waver quite a bit. its sad really. i'm sitting here listening to Avril Lavigne drinking cola through a straw out of a can... and its the highlight of my day.
i was thinking about playing on my xbox, but i know i'd just end up getting fustrated at it and even more fed up. either that or i'd get really into it and end up playing it until 5am, grab a couple of hours sleep, then be completely knackered tomorrow.

i'm down in stockton - type area - tomorrow. i dont want to go. i know i'm going to end up getting plastered with questions i dont really know how to answer and have to blag answers. i suck. meh. i'm always so aware that theres so much i dont know how to do.

still. atleast its friday, then i can waste the weekend being alone in my bedroom. hurray. bedroom. aloneness.

we're also supposed to be having a staff meeting tomorrow. maybes we'll talk about me getting a small raise, or how my 6 month probation period has gone. maybes talk about me getting a van. knowing my luck i wont get a van. hell knowing my luck they'll probably lay me off.

i'm so sick of being me.