That "feeling"...

Do you ever get that feeling? The feeling in the pit of your stomach thats heavy and almost vomit inducing. Its a bit like anxiety and worry, but not quite. I have that. Right now. Sitting there. Mocking me.

I worry about (A). I worry that shes alright. Chances are she will be. Hmmm. I still worry.

I've just been sitting staring at the screen for about 5 minutes between each paragraph.

I realise. I don't think I know how to be friends. I don't think I know how to be a boyfriend. I can feel myself just kinda.... drifting away. So what if I'm not friends with (A) anymore? Who would care? Give it a couple of days and I'm sure she'd have pretty much forgotton about me.

Why? Why do I feel like this all the time? (A) is the greatest thing to happen to me in years and I feel like this? How messed up is that!

Maybes its because I thrive and live off solitude. I need the pain of isolation and being alone, of self doubt, of having no self-esteem.

Maybes its because I haven't really had any friends who I've felt close to for years now.

Its a bit like being dunked in artic cold water, you go into shock and your body can't really handle it.... Well thats the best metaphor I could come up with. Meh.

I can't believe I actually have someone who wants to be friends in real life and barely into it all I feel like this again.

What is wrong with me? I can't find any logic in this tangent of idiotic messed-up-ness.

I feel disgusted with myself. Letting myself feel like this.

hmm.

My mind is racing with scraps of thoughts . Could it be because I love (A) in some bizzare way? Well. Maybes. How can I make a logical arguement I do? I can't. We hardly know each other. That said, I do feel like I've known her for years. Wether that sentiment is felt by her I don't know. I'm not even going to attempt a guess.
Maybes, its this feeling of knowing her for years, yet having not known her for more than a month or so now, knowing she has secrets and is keeping the other people in her life away from me thats making me feel like this?

Deep? Well I guess its all down to personal opinion.

How do I feel about (A)? Well of course I like her. Alot. I feel comfortable around her, like I can tell her anything. I guess she'd tell me I can. But I can't. I can't tell her - or anyone everything.

hmm.

In six months her lease comes up on her rented place. I keep thinking that I'd suggest getting a place together. But such a big thing. I think she'd say no and I'd end up feeling like crap - rejected - but without a real justifiable reason.

Could I live with her? I like to think I could and that we would be happy living together as flatmates, friends, nothing more. Reality is though. I don't think it would work out.

Hmm. Again.

I'm getting ahead of myself. Asking if she wants to be house / flatmates. Fskng hell.

Another flaw - getting ahead of myself. Wanting to rush things. I just feel like I need to make up for all the years we haven't known each other - which will never work.

This day has just dragged by....

Yep. It really has. Its just dragged by sooooo slowly.

I've felt a bit woozy all day. Probably from lack of sleep and probably from taking a hell of alot of nurofen headachey make go bye bye tablets. Meh. I'm sure it'll pass.

I've also been feeling rather down today. I kinda wish I was good looking. I wish someone fancied me. Hmm.

What a mixed night

So, last night. I went around to (A)s house with food stuffs, coffee and sugar. By sugar, I do mean sugar, like the kind you put in your coffee. She was supposed to be coming to mine, but as it turned out, we had to rearrange. I really don't mind making the trip out to where she lives. It gets me out the house and away from my family - which in my mind is a very good thing.

Also. (A) is awesome.

Anyway, got to (A)s house only to be met by her talking to a neighbour. Now this is where the story gets interesting, but only because ironically, its actually kinda boring.

The neighbour is a nice guy (or atleast appears to be). But is just interesting in 10-minute spurts.... not for 5 hours straight.... of him talking from 9pm till about 1.30am ... Yeah it appears hes done some interesting stuff (either that or he just made up a load of crap because he has no life), but seriousally dude. You don't sit in your new neighbours house until after 1pm talking about random crap when its blatently obvious that you're not so much engaged in conversation with the other people in the room, as you are merely talking at them.

Look! Its (A)s cat!

(Yeah, its not the best photo ever, but probably because it was 3am ... 3am I hear you ask... read on....!)


Must have been at about 12.30am me and (A) caught each others eye by random co-incidence and we both could tell, yeah, we wanted him to have left.... hours ago...

It got past being boring and more painfull.

That said, (A)s cat did come and sit on my lap a couple of times (aahhh sweet relief to tedious chatter from the "TEDIOUS ONE")

AANNNYYYHOOO.

He kinda got the hint to leave after, hours of blah blah blah - ness, I eventually managed to get in that I needed to unpack the shopping. How the milk hadn't curdled or even, dare I say it, imploded, I'll never know. After taking the shopping out of the bags, we (now utterly ravaged by hunger and thirst) chowed down on pre-preapred pasta and salad. Argueably not the most healthy of foods, but certainly more healthy than eatting chocolate bars filled with ... I dunno... a small monkey. Oh, and there was coffee.


(He's on the prowl for phone charger cable!)

Then we just chilled out and kinda destressed for a while.

Then she gave me a hug (woot for (A) hugs!!) and I left at about 3.30am. Got home at about 4am and pretty much crashed out straight away. Though i did manage to get up and into work on time - how cool am I :p

But (A) is heading off down South for a couple of days so will either be back late Saturday or early Sunday. I'm kinda hoping it'll be Saturday and she'll invite me around. I know that sounds alittle seflish of me, but I'd only want her to invite me if she wants me to come around *nods* :)

I really like (A) - I don't think she knows how much though. Or maybe she does....

Its a Tuesday....

So. Nothing interesting has happened today, yet I still feel like blogging. I have a bit of a headache, but I blame myself for that one :p

Tomorrow (A) will be coming around to mine - well thats the plan atleast. I don't mind her coming around - but at the same time... family... here... they meet... would be nice to have one thing in my life that isn't even slightly tainted by my family. Though I suspect it'll be a "hi, right, lets go upstairs" type affair. So. It could be worse.

Must buy some more coffee and sugar free blackcurrent juice.

Still plagued by insecure thoughts - what happens if she gets a boyfriend and I end up getting pushed out of the picture, or so far to one side I'd might as well be out the picture.. thoughts like that. I'm sure she'd tell me I'm thinking silly thoughts, but you know...

Still. Gotta try and get away from them.

I have had such a good day!

Its shocking I know!

But I have an absolutely amazing day. Met (A) in person for the first time. Oh my gosh, I adore her and her cat (B) to bits and thats in the short time I've known her.

Shes amazing.

From everything I've come to learn about her both from online chats, the phone chat and actually meeting her today, she is exactly what I've been looking for in a friend. I really hope I can make her as happy as she has made me since we started chatting and I'm determined to change the parts of myself which might sabotage this friendship.

And I got two hugs.

Which was very cool. This was a very big day for me. Perhaps for her too.

woot!

meh

got hopes up for no reason.

wish i was dead. why does this shit always happen to me.

Its not often I take a photo of myself that I actually think is presentable....

todays and yesterdays highlights and lowdowns

Last night I got to talk to (A) on the phone. How cool was that you ask? So very cool!

She also won the contract for her company to do something with a charity - which I thought she'd get because she actually appears to be competent. Which will be the subject for much cheer!

Yeah, that had nothing todo with me, but it made her happy so is totally worth mentioning :)

We were talking on MSN and I pointed her towards this blog. We talked about some of the stuff I've blogged on here. Which .. I dunno.. was refreshing because normally people don't care, don't want to care, don't understand, don't want to understand etc etc etc... but we talked through it and dare I say, its all good and we're still heading for what I hope will be the best friendship ... dare I say it.... I've ever had with ... anyone.

Sadly, as MSN does, it appeared to either break, or theres something wrong with her computer. So. She phoned me. To say that was awesome is a complete understatement.

We laughed. Alot. It was amazing. I've never been so happy as I've been when I've talked to (A).

By the sounds of things I'm going around to her house on Saturday evening.

This is freaking amazing!

My luck and life seem to be getting better and more positive now - and its about time!

Photo:

at_work_dot_com

I'm sitting here at work. I'm the only techie in for the next few days and I'm totally unmotivated to do any work.


Hmmmm.

I keep thinking about (A) and her photos with the guys in. It still makes me feel uneasy since all the thoughts that rush through my mind are negative and for so many reasons, aren't thoughts I should be having.

I can't decide if I should ask her about them tonight and tell her about how I feel because of them, or wether to just to let it pass. I did say I'd be honest and open with her, but perhaps this is one of those times in life when I should just omit stuff from conversations.

Yeah, I know shes bound to have other friends who she meets up and does stuff with. Most people do. Normally it doesn't bother me. Perhaps this time it does and is simply because either shes mislead(ing) me as to who she actually is and what her life is actually like, or simply because I'm misinterpreting what shes saying.

To be continued.....

The Highs Past

So. Yeah. I think the feeling of happyness has indeed come and gone.

I thought I had started to get to know (A) pretty well. Naturally, theres still a hell of alot of things I don't know about her, but its been the smallest of things that I've seen that have made me retreat back alot. Two photos of what appear to be 2 different guys on her myspace profile. I don't know who they are. Sure, I feel alittle jealous and wether I have the right to feel it or not isn't something I want to be thinking about right now.
Its mainly because of one photo title : " Breakfast at ********'s - SPAM " ... did she sleep over? Did they have sex? Who is this guy. Same with the other photo of the other guy. So many illogical questions flying through my mind, yet I'm constantly plagued with the fact that its none of my business and I shouldn't be thinking these things.

Still. I was under the impression that (A) was like me. A stay home loner who was looking for a freind to do stuff with in real life.

Its just a bit of a shock.

I think I will retreat back into my hole alittle. I suspect if I don't I'm going to end up getting hurt and even more depressed. I knew something like this would happen and I can almost play it out exactly as I know its going to happen.

Dam it, my head hurts and now I wanna cry again.

There was a good chance I was gonna meet up with (A) on Saturday. I'm not too sure I want to now. I want to see how things play out.

I don't know why a good thing just can't be good for once, no strings attached!?!?

I'm so stressed. Work and everything... litterly everything has just become such a burden. I want time off work. I'm not going to get it or take it since we're as busy as anything at the moment and, undoublty I'll aim to get in for 8.30am again tomorrow morning. That and I'll be the only techie in till next tuesday while (M) is off watching cricket and then hes up in scotland to do re-certification exams on monday.

*le sigh*

It must just be me. It must be. I don't know of anyone else who has this kinda crap who doesn't have something good to equal it out with.

Meh.

Oh. And my debit card came today. I need to plan to make sure I'm getting atleast £1K in my current account each month. I think I have a plan. A legit plan by all means, just gonna take time to work out the details.

Meh.

Thursday tomorrow. Nearly the weekend. Which I will undoubtly spend doing nothing. Might go out and take some photos. I really should. Get out there and take my mind off stuff. Kinda hard to take your mind off the feeling of solitude and isolation when you're driving / walking around by yourself.

Photo.

Random weekly update

I'm actually not feeling too crappy today. Started talking to a new lass ( A ) recently. She appears to be pretty cool and we really seem have clicked online. I like her. She seems to be worth the effort - even though shes busy she actually messages me now and again on msn. Thinkng about it alittle more, I'm quite taken back since its such a rare occurence that anyone let alone someone I've only been talking to for a few days now would do that.

I really feel this could go places. I.e. "Real World" friendship and stuff. I know I've said that in the past, but theres something I can't quite put my finger on where I actually believe it this time. Of course. I'm still somewhat reluctant to get my hope allll the way up. Knowing my luck we'll meet up and not "click" in real life.

Then again. Maybes thats just me being overly pessamistic.

Work has been trunderling by rather un-eventfully. Which I kinda guess is a good thing.Hopefully this month they'll catch me up on owed overtime. If they don't I'm gonna kick off alittle because it'll mean two wages
have gone in. Hmmm. Then again. If I'm paid it next month, I'll have my proper crappy current account setup and running properly, which would mean I should be taking home atleast £1000 which would mean I should get 5% interest on it... or something like that... I don't fully understand financial crap like that and I hate trying to understand it.

MONGOOSE!

Its Sunday....

Today I have done nothing significant.

I was thinking about going out to some random place to take photos, but eh. I seem to be lacking the motivation these days to do such things.

( K ) messaged me twice today, which in all honesty is a rare thing. Normally I only get one short, vague message every 2 weeks. Apparently she has been getting my texts, but has no credit to message me back. I'm pretty sure this is probably because she only acknowledges my existance when it suits her and when shes bored.
I really wanna be 'real world' friends with her, but eh. Its probably never going to happen - not because I'm too shy to ask her to meet up and do stuff - I have asked her ... repeatidly, but she just never seems to acknowledge the questions "would you like to meet up?" and "when / where do you wanna meet?"

To be honest, the lack of communication and repsonses is kinda annoying me now and its starting to feel like a hell of a lot of effort to try and be friends with her when it shouldn't be.

Still. This happens alot. I'm not supprised, shocked or particularly willing to keep it up. Just seems like shes talking crap now.

Kuja (or whatever shes calling herself now) hasn't been on in a few days either. Undoubtly too busy... oh I dunno.... with "more important" stuff. Figures.

Not talking to anyone else particularly, though I did message a lass on myspace. She said back a message. And that was it. Though she did request to be added to my friends list which I've granted. What can I say? Its easier to delete a ***er off the list than it is to deny the request, talk to the person, then oneself request to be friends.

I doubt she'll wanna meet up in real life mind... well atleast from what shes put on her myspace profile.




The only other thing worth mentioning is that I had my hair trimmed. This always brings a bag of mixed emotions and thoughts.
Normally, I feel guilty. I want my long hair back. But I do recognise how easier having short hair has made life in some respects. I think from here on in, I'm just gonna grow it long. To hell with it.



Well. Its only 5:45pm - I'm tired. I'm fed up. I'm too hot. And I have no one else to talk to except myself.

title?

blah. another saturday over and done with.

went to the banks today. because i earn just under £1000 a month i basically can't get a decent account with anyone.

to say thats annoying, is a very large understatement. its so tempting to spray paint "dont bank here, we're wankers" on the windows of every bank (aside from the yorkshire bank! they have a cool ISA ! ). i mean really. how many people these days are working for minum wage and would be getting paid around about the same as me? well i dont actually know the offical figures (i use the term "offical" very light and vaguely) but I'm guessing theres gonna be quite a few of us. but no, the banks don't seem to recognise this.

then i had a random drive down to darlington. which was pointless but wasted a couple of hours. then i drove back home.

then i've sat on the internet for 3...4 hours with no one to talk to.

annoyingly i've spent that time looking for new friends, and indeed, possibly someone to date, you know, since i dont do the whole pub / club / arsewanky scene. but to be honest. i've been through the myspace list now quite a few times, there haven't been any new additions to my search for criteria results. as such, i here-by declare myself FUCKED FOR FREINDS.

texted ( K ) today. oddly enough, i didnt get a reply. i figure its been a couple of weeks now since shes been on fp so i'm semi-expecting-semi-hoping for a new vague message. then again, thats kinda pointless these days since she's blatently just drifted away.

oh look. a wall


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I also changed my computer keyboard, though i'm regretting it since you pretty much have to hammer the keys to make them work. BASTARD KEYBOARD

;ew TPOAWET POWA POAS RTYLOSA RTY-[
]A RST['A RSG]-N\PIEA RYS
[]ORAW ESY
[] ASR
[ ]A EWRY
[]AWE RY
[ORA EWY
[O]RA WY[
]OAR
[OAD HR
[P]MOA DRH
[}OY QEW45
N93 Q
[ AERWY
{ AEHR
]PM

Think I'll change it back after I publish this blog and throw the "newer" one out the window at anyone who happens to be passing by.

What can i say? they deserve it for living.

FUCK YOU ALL

FUCK YOU ALLFUCK YOU ALLFUCK YOU ALLFUCK YOU ALLFUCK YOU ALLFUCK YOU ALLFUCK YOU ALLFUCK YOU ALLFUCK YOU ALLFUCK YOU ALLFUCK YOU ALLFUCK YOU ALLFUCK YOU ALLFUCK YOU ALLFUCK YOU ALLFUCK YOU ALLFUCK YOU ALLFUCK YOU ALLFUCK YOU ALLFUCK YOU ALLFUCK YOU ALLFUCK YOU ALLFUCK YOU ALLFUCK YOU ALLFUCK YOU ALLFUCK YOU ALLFUCK YOU ALLFUCK YOU ALLFUCK YOU ALLFUCK YOU ALLFUCK YOU ALLFUCK YOU ALLFUCK YOU ALLFUCK YOU ALLFUCK YOU ALLFUCK YOU ALLFUCK YOU ALLFUCK YOU ALLFUCK YOU ALLFUCK YOU ALLFUCK YOU ALLFUCK YOU ALLFUCK YOU ALLFUCK YOU ALLFUCK YOU ALLFUCK YOU ALLFUCK YOU ALLFUCK YOU ALLFUCK YOU ALLFUCK YOU ALLFUCK YOU ALLFUCK YOU ALLFUCK YOU ALLFUCK YOU ALLFUCK YOU ALLFUCK YOU ALLFUCK YOU ALLFUCK YOU ALLFUCK YOU ALLFUCK YOU ALLFUCK YOU ALLFUCK YOU ALLFUCK YOU ALLFUCK YOU ALLFUCK YOU ALLFUCK YOU ALLFUCK YOU ALLFUCK YOU ALLFUCK YOU ALL

You pretend to be my friend but you NEVER make the effort. You never say Hello to me first, you never do the basic things that friends do, like randomly text or message me.

Why call me your friend? Why even bother repsonding to my messages if talking to me is so much of a fucking hassle for you?

All I want is a real friend. Someone to hang out with and do stuff with. Yet, the closest thing I have to this, is this fucked up blog where all I ever seem to have to talk about is how much of a fucking effort it takes just to get out of bed in the moring.

Today I couldn't face going into work so I called in ill. I kinda am ill, though I tend to think I hide it well. I'll be back in tomorrow. Work is the closest thing I get to human interaction outside of the house. Maybes dealing with all the fucks who come in and complain about their broken computers and MP3 players has warped my view on humanity.

I doubt it. I hated people before I worked there.

Ah who cares. Yeah. I have loads of self pity. Yeah I have no self esteem. Yeah. I hate myself. But in reality, who actually cares? Yeah. Argueably my "family" do - but the less I talk to them the better. But I don't count them because I fucking hate them.

My head hurts and my twitch has come back in my left eye lid again.

I just want to cry. But whats the point. Whats the point in having hope and pulling myself together when I know, I know for a fact that tomorow I'll come home from work and I'll sit in front of this computer. I'll visit faceparty and myspace and I'll have no new messages. I'll open up Yahoo and MSN - but there'll be no one on... and even if there is they'll be too busy to talk to me bar maybes a sentence or two in a conversation I'll have started.

Which... pretty much brings me back to the whole "whats the point in having me on your "Buddy list" if you're not even going to say Hi to me without me saying Hi first" ....

And people wonder why I'm fucked up in the head and so depressed all the friggin time.

I never wonder why.

I hate my life.

Asking for help is pointless.

I hate myself.

The Single Life

This blog post will be short and sweet.

Its simple really.

I wish I wasn't single.

Truth be told, I wish I was dating ( T ). But thats never going to happen. Its probably one of the only definite things in my life. And yes. It sucks. It sucks so much I just want to cry.

Still.

I wish I wasn't single.

meh

wanna go home. too sleepy and fedup for this crap.

Hmmm

I feel like I should post a new blog. Trouble is, my mind is blank. Well kinda. Hmmm.

Today hasn't been overly special. Actually. It was kinda tedious.

Only one person has been online tonight (S) but it would seems shes not feeling overly well and so didn't say much. Knowing the feeling of wanting everyone to just sod off when I'm ill and lack of her saying much led me to the conclusion not saying much was the best course of action. Maybes. I dunno. I barely know her.

Messaged a lass on myspace who lives down in Darlington type area. But then noticed that she hadn't logged into myspace in months. So yeah. Which is a shame because she sounds and seems really cool.... aahh who am I kidding. I'm utterly ***** ****** off at the fact she hasn't logged in any time soon, meaning she probably just doesn't care and won't message me back for like ... billions of years. Such a typical example of my ******** luck.

So yes....

... Went to the castle. Was actually quite nice. The weather held off nicely and, turned out to be warmer than expected. Kinda wish I'd left my water proof jacket in the car, but knowing my luck if I had it would have rained :P

Took 455 photos, which is rather good. Managed to get really close to a bird and get some snaps, but my lens isn't overly good at that kinda close-up stuff so they didn't come out as well as they could have. Still. The camera stood the test of quick snapping rather well. Maybes thats just because I'm used to using a slow point and click type camera ;)

The drive there and back was really ... I dunno ... relaxing. Yeah there were the odd morons here and there, but it could have been alot worse!!

Anyhoo. Got back about 3..4pm and started to process the snaps. Got a number of really nice photos that have been processed to result in really nice pieces - so much so that I've actually e-mailed 3 off to the BBC tyne website to see if they'll publish them online. Fingers crossed ay?!

One of the guys at work mentioned that there would be greater need to post-shoot process the media. I understood what he ment at the time, but now have a greater understanding. Yes, you can take awesome 10 megapixel shots, but they never come out quite as expected. Could this be seen as a flaw over point and click type cameras? I do think in part it is. But then I also think that I've only had the camera for a short time and I'm still learning how to "take photos" with it. Very similar to when I really started to use my Olympus.

MMmmm. Potatoes!

Bamburgh Castle

link to my latest photos -- opens in a new window.

couple of examples..

Right.

Today. I goto Bamburgh Castle. Its 10:20am (there was no way I was getting up much earlier :P ). I've already showered and brushed my teeth. Now I just need to have a shave then I'm off.....


... to fill the car with gogojuice.

Looks like it might rain, but to be honest, even if it does, I don't care.

hmm. figures...

What Aura Colour Are You?
Black Having a black aura is very rare. Usually black auras are around a person who has passed. You may have an emotional illness, or you may just have a black aura. Dont worry if you have a black aura or if you see one around a person, for black auras do not mean death. However, if you do see a black aura around a living person, I advise you be careful.
Take The Quiz Now!	Quizzes by myYearbook.com

( Stolen from http://never-rains.blogspot.com/ )

Photography as a tension release...

Nearly everyday I take photos. Most are just for the sake of taking photos. But tonight. Tonight I've just been so angry all night, and everyone bar one person ( S ) has utterly .... annoyed me. Yeah, thats the biggest understatement. Hopefully I've left them feeling miserable and worthless.

But about half an hour ago. I got my camera out and started taking some photos of some small candles I've had lit near me. Yeah. Closeups of candles. Such a cliche. I know. So I added a coffee up into the scene. Still, a bit of a cliche... well... I'll let the photos do the talking.... so to speak....













Oddly. Since taking the photos. I feel alot more ... calm.

(Larger photos on MooseCandy as always!)

F-neh

I feel really angry and fedup.

I don't know why. Its been an okay day in which nothing has gone particualarly right, or indeed, wrong.

Closed my A & L account. Then came home. It was actually rather nice walking out in town, but purely because it was windy and raining. Two types of weather I like. I was thinking about driving up to Bambrough Castle. I probably spelt Bambrough wrong, but I don't care. I didn't since by the time I got there the "light" would have been going.

Its kinda typical. I get a good camera and the days start getting shorter. Might just make the effort to go up tomorrow. It'll get me out the house away from my family who mange to p*ss me off by just being in the same house as me.

I really wish there was somewhere else I could go and hang out with a friend, or indeed, freinds, but gosh darn it. There isn't. Now I just want to yell obscenities about not having any friends.

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Yep. Think that sums up how annoyed I am.

Its 11:19pm

Yet it feels more like 2am. Blimey I'm tired.

Apple released a load of updated stuff recently and we've started selling more stuff. I use the term stuff because it covers such a vast amount of products. Recently I've fallen behind on keeping the website up todate mainly out of pure lazyness, but also because they owe me money! Oh yes. I do get paid for doing the website, but they forgot to add that AND the money they owe me for picking up visiting staff from down south and driving them to various locations far and near.... which means they owe me about £200.

I could really do with that £200. I bet most people could.

But never-the-less. I am expecting the sum to be added onto my next pay slip and they do normally keep upto date with what they owe. As such, tonight I'm not too fussed about spending time updating the site. It kinda needs it. I'd love to be able to spend loads of time working on the site and doing graphics etc for it. But I can't. Simply because it does really bore me after about 4 hours of constant coding, I'm not that talented compared to alot of web designers and I'm really not that artisic, which means I know what I want to do, I just don't have the skills to do it.

I am quite happy with the way the new design is coming along. I'm keeping it as clean and simple as I can otherwise, I just know it'll turn into some crappy disaster. Like ... egg on your face followed by acid.

Tomorrow I need to goto the bank and close my account. Dam. They managed to twist my mind into opening a really crappy account - but I guess kudos to them for managing it and I know they're only doing their job. Still. Kinda peeved.

Generic entry

Its Friday. Just gotton home from work. Nothing exciting happened. Fixed some computers. Had some coffee.

I think I should be happier its the weekend but tomorrow I need to go to town and close a bank account I opened which I shouldn't. Yep. The continuing fsking pain in my rectum which is - Trying to find a decent bank account.

Balls.

Photos

I took photos. Then chatted to K for a while. I dunno, but for some reason she seemed to let me get away with saying kinda .. i dunno ... semi-flirty stuff. I hope she was ok with it, I really don't wanna make her uncomfortable. At the same time its really such a nice release to say stuff like that to a real person.

I like K. But I know the feeling isn't mutual. Ah well.

Photo time!

(Shrunk down for blog posting - larger on Flickr / MooseCandy! )







More at MooseCandy *points to link on the left ------> *

They came out better than expected. The original photos are too shabby, but post processing in Aperture really improved them.

All in all. Happy with result.

I've just realised!

I haven't taken any random photos in a couple of days! I think I'll go and get my camera. By "go and get" i mean turn my chair 180 degrees and reach onto the bedside i dunno... table-y thing. And. Yeah. Take some photos. Of random crap. Hmm.

Taking stock of your life

Do you ever just sit? Sit and think about where you life has led you? I often do that when I'm sitting in traffic on the way home from work (the few nights I leave while there is still traffic ques). Don't worry. I do keep my wits about me. But its funny how some songs just really make me think about life.

I'm only 22. I wonder what I'll be like when I'm 60 and my heart races. Then I start to wonder if I'll make it to 60. Where will I be living in 10 years from now? Will I have a partner? Will I still be working for AT Computers? Will I be any good at my job? Yeah, I'm not bad at it as it is, but there is always room to improvement - I don't know everything.

I just want to cry. Right now. Break down in tears. I can't though. I have to keep it all in. I don't want people who know me to really know how I feel.

I really don't like living with my family. I'd rather be living on my own. People just always bring me pain and hurting. People in the past have said that I should go out and make more friends. Why? Whats the point? People. Pain. Hurting. Surely I'm just better off alone.

K just came on MSN. She's busy. I'm not supprised. She didn't even say... oh wait... shes typing something now... still.... shes busy doing an essay. Best leave her alone.

Aren't Nickleback (the band) odd. I love most of their songs, but some of them I really hate. I don't think thats an odd thing generally. I sit corrected.

Hometime never comes fast enough.

So I'm home now. Just signed onto Yahoo and MSN. unsupprisingly no-one seems to be on... yet... then again, last night the only other person who came on was S.

I quite like S. Shes nice and interesting. I mentioned that this weekend I was thinking about going upto a castle on the coast. Was hoping she might wanna come along. Of course since I got upset and down recently, I've managed to pretty much scare her off from doing anything in real life with me.

Fsckin. Typical.


I'm not supprised. Its always the way it goes.

I meet someone. They do something to upset me / annoy me. I react angrily and become down. They don't want to talk to me or do stuff with me like; meet up for coffee.

Sometimes.... well... alot of the time now I question how worth while it is trying to have friends since it never EVER seems to work out. Depressing and pessamistic? Sure it is but its always the way my life seems to go. Solution? Easy. Self destruct. End my own life and just be done with it. I'm only 22. Why the hell would anyone want to live until they're 60 or 70 with the emotional crap I have!?

Sure people have it worse (a comment which throws me into an utter rage beause its not about other people its about me and how I'm feeling. Its me we're talking about! And no, I'm not selfish or an attention seeker, if you knew me in real life you'd know that ... well.. atleast I think you would. Apparently my cum-dumpster ex-female friend seemed to disagree. But then again shes a fsking slut and I hope she dies of some horribly painful disease in the middle of being gang raped by monkeys) but its these people that are more likely to have people out there who want / can / do help them by going out of their way to atleast try and make things better for them. No one does that for me.

Why? Simply because no one really realises or cares. Generally its because the internet is the only place I really let out my emotions. I haven't really got anyone to turn to. I have in the past tried talking about it, but its always been utterly pointless, normally ending in the same cliche-ish "pull yourself together, other people have it worse than you- blah blah blah - i haven't actually listened or taken anything in what you've just said because i'm a complete and utter fsking moron" speech.

Great. Wonderfull. You fsker.

Anyways. Drivel. Going to watch something now and wait to see if anyone actually comes on MSN or Yahoo. I doubt it and if they do I expect they'll be busy. They're always ... busy.

Emotional Subtleness

This is my blog.

This is where I come to explode.

Do I care what you think?

No.

Don't like what I post?

Don't read my blog. Its simple.