it occurs to me....

.... that no one really gives a shit about me. so why should i give a shit about myself?

why the hell should i try and fix my flaws if its not going to make a blind bit of difference to myself.

(A) hasn't texted me ... or called ... or visited for a while. I don't know if I should be feeling pissed off... or worried... or if I just shouldn't give a crap. Or. A mixture of everything. Its getting to the point where I'm going and visiting her and always making the effort. Yeah, I'm being hypocritical beause I don't mind, gets me out the house, away from the family who I can't stand, and I get to spend time with her and Ben. But its turning into an (L) situation where I'm making all the effort. Its starting to be a drag again. Its really starting to get to me. But I can't tell her this because I don't want to risk making her feel bad.

I dunno. Its sunday tomorrow. I might just go and see her. Texting her seems to be pointless 90% of the time these days... *sigh* ... fuck it all

I think I should post a new blog....

... But to be honest, nothing notable has happened. (A) went away to her family over xmas and on her return has brought back her dad with her. As such I haven't seen her for about a week now. I guess this has led to my re-founded likings and fustrations of online gaming.

Hmm. Yeah. Thats it really. Feel like crap.

Ah look!

Its Christmas Day.



Whatever.

Back on track?

Well, things seem to be getting back on track with (A). She hasn't texted me for a while. So many reasons why she may not have done. I didn't ask her when I went around to hers tonight why she hasn't been.

I want to think she hasn't because she wanted me to visit and this was her way of saying "come around to mine" - because she knows I do that if I don't hear from her for a while. Chances are, its probably just been because she's been busy. Either way, just aslong as she's alright - thats the main thing.




She's gone back down to visit her family over xmas. She didn't want to go and I didn't want her to either. We has this plan that I was going to escape to hers and spend most of xmas day with her and her cat watching crap on tv eatting cerial - dam it!

Still. Whatchya gonna do.

Apparently her dad is supposidly coming up to visit her new place. She's in theory, coming back up on Wed 27th and he, in theory is going to stay a day or two. I'm hoping he doesn't. I know its mean, but I want to spend time with (A). Plus if her dad comes up, more than likely she'll be driving him back down which will take up another day or two. Which would suck.

Apparently we're supposed to be back in work on Tuesday 2nd January. That seems very soon after New Years day to be open for business again. Ho hum. Hence my wanting to spend time with (A). During the day. When I can actually send time with her and go off to do stuff, like walking around and such things.

Its that time of the month again....

...Specifically December.... when Christmas is getting closer .... I hate Christmas.

Tomorrow we're open half day. Then we close for business until Jan 4th. Woot. I'm taking time off.

I don't know whats happening with (A) at the moment. Shes very distant and it just feels like I'm trying to force the friendship.

I don't know.

So things are looking up....

Went and met up with (A) - shes ... well... (A)-ly. But I think things are looking up and moving along.

Tomorrow I'm installing and upgrading a ton of stuff at a company. I'm actually kinda scared because I only vaguely know what I'm doing for it, so alot of its going to be improvised on the spot. Plus I just know theres going to be f-ing hundreds of problems and bugs to sort out. Curse you (M)! Why couldn't you just do it! You know more than I about the install!

Still. Its almost xmas.... its almost... time ... to close up the workshop... yeah, if only.

I hate being me.

Yep. Messed things up with (A). Put your hand up if you're not supprised....


*watches everyone in the world put both hands and arms up*





Sometimes, even though life through the lens can look beautiful, mine is just filled with blackness, self-hate and emotional mutilation.

Photo!

Mook! Mookkkkk!

Okay, so I really need to get out during the day and get some more photos! Will probably drag (A) along with me sometime ;)

Trouble is I work weekdays, and with the days so short, nights so long, its hard finding the time to get out and about. Yeah theres the weekends, but you know .... hmmm ... I don't.




I know at night there's interesting stuff that can be photographed, but I personally prefer going out during the day to take photos.

Hmmmmm. Still, not next week, but the week after, I've got some holiday time coming up over the christmas which I plan to take... I could go in, and I may go in for a day or two because we / the technical department / I am up to the eyes (as they say) with repairs and (M) is away for a few weeks.... which ... pretty much just leaves me with all these repairs.

That said, I don't mind too much and he doesn't take much in the way of holidays anyways. Plus most of them have been diagnosed, so it shouldn't be too bad... just ... kinda alot to do >.<

So last night....

I was back in my own bed in my parents ( , my house ) .... I didn't like it. It was crap.

Time for a new blog me thinks...

So last night me and (A) sat up for most of the night working on a project for her. Not going to say what it was :P But the end result was pretty cool. If I have more spare time at the end of the day before 5pm, I'm going to work on it alittle bit more.

I ended up sleeping over. What a brilliant nights sleep I had! Didn't have any family bugging me, wandering in when I'm trying to sleep, no dad bursting in at 7.30 ... to tell me its 7.30 ... and that hes going to work. And on top of that, it probably took me slightly less time to actually get into work than it would have from my house!

I honestly wish I could move in with her! I'd be so happy even playing to be in a room smaller than I'm in! Still, I know she values her independence and alone-ness - so I'll probably just mention it in about 5 ... 6 months, see what she says. I also know sometimes she has other friends who stay over, so uses the spare room for them. Ho hum.

Still, she seems happier and I'm happier. I like it when shes happy. Oddly enough....

Yeah, I'm totally in love.

Sucks....

... So (A) is depressed. She suffers from it. I understand. I do. I know how it feels. But I just think she's just leaving me out of pretty much everything....

I decided to just go around to her house, maybes see if I could cheer her up alittle. Okay, so I'm not going to be the solution to her depression, but I know its been kinda bad over the past couple of days. Anyways. Turns out she went out last night with (J) and even though she doesn't overly feel upto it tonight, she might go and see him play the violin tonight. At a bar. Yet over the past week or so, I've hardly seen her, hardly heard from her. I mean... seriousally.. what the fuck. And its so obvious to me that shes ... well.. not neccesarrily "up for" going out and doing stuff with other people, even though she is, but just ... letting me drift.

This always fucking happens. I meet someone, think we're going to get along really well, and then a few weeks in, I actually start to wonder if I actually know this person.

Of course I can't talk to her about how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking because she's trying to get back on the level.

Fuck it. I'm just going to leave it. If she wants to stay friends, shes the one whos going to have to put some effort in.

This always, without fail, happens to me. Might as well just bloody well kill myself.

BAH! HUMBUG!

Yep, I'm now a dis-liker of christmas. Though I do get pressys and holidays, so I guess that makes me less of a loather, and indeed merely a dis-liker of the season.

Come January, I will know if I've passed my "6 month probation period" - then I'll start asking for a van again :P - yeah I know I'll have to pay - but is should, in theory, at the moment, work out cheaper than owning my own car. Plus, it should be a better vehicle. Anyhoo, this is getting off track a bit - what I was meaning to say, is that I'm planning on taking a couple of days holiday. I plan to take off 3 work days, surrounding a weekend ( so it could be : thurs, fri, sat, sun, mon : or fri, sat, sun, mon, tues :) - so kind like a long weekend + 1 day.

But am going to talk to (A) first, see what she has to say on the subject.

Always just the friend....

Fuck sakes.

Whatever.

Fucking stupid me. Whats the point in having fucking emotions. Seriousally. So pointless me having them or trying to be happy. Who am I kidding? Always ends up the same way.

Eh, fuck all you people who just view and don't comment.

Gah! my stomach!

I keep getting these short lived, stabbing pains in my upper abdomen! They're painful.

When I've mentioned it to people, I've had all the answers back - its a hernia, its weak muscle that needs to be tightened with stretching ... blah blah blah

It may also be my new trousers. Now, I know what you're thinking - "oo-er-kinky?" - but nope. Normally I buy trousers that are nice, big and baggy. My new trousers are more fitted around the waist, but with room - still kinda long and baggy :P So I'm wearing my other trousers to see if I still get the pains.

That said. I sometimes get them while I'm laying in bed, which makes me think they're not trouser related.

Anyhoo, now for a photo...

The best thing about being wet....

.... Is that you can't really touch the computers.... because you're wet... and its raining... and theres no hair dryer here :P

I wish....

.... someone found me attractive.

I've just been reading comments on a friends myspace and its basically filled with "you look hot" type comments. Sure, it may just be shallow and void of any real emotional meaning, but its so depressing to then look at my myspace and have see that theres 1 comment on my photos, which lets face it, was probably a pity-filled-lets-feel-sorry-for-him type comment.

Don't get me wrong, I know I'm never going to stereotypically "good lookin' "

Hmm. I dunno.

I know what I want in life. I just don't know how to get it. Or. Even get on the right path to getting it. And no - "getting it" isn't code for sex.

Its amazing...

... How one small text message can be so relieving.

I'm not saying anything more since it's been an utterly stressful day.

Do-bee-do-bee-ddooooo

Okay. I'm now offically stumped as to what to get (A) as a present.
I have, however, decided to skip the missed birthday (which, yeah, I do feel guilty about, but I'm sure it'll pass.... in a few years...) and concentrate on xmas.

I was thinking, a hi-fi system with some kind of input which she could hook her iPod upto. Sadly, the ones I would want to buy her are either too expensive, or, too expensive and utter rubbish / look as ugly as donkey poop.

So then I started to think about other stuff. Then my brain stopped working.

I could get her a new webcam? Or I could get her a wifi broadband router? Crap. I'm way too geeky.

I did have a digital camera lined up, but her parents / family bought her one, which is cool :) ... and another mate bought her a bike. And the Doc bought her a loverly bracelett type thing. Crap. Hmmm. I suppose I could pay for her next few coal deliveries - heh. I guess that would be a semi-original present.

Neh. I really want to get her a proper pressent.

Ooh. Wait. I know. A stoppy-in-night. Movies. Junk food.... hmmmm but then she might see that as me kinda trying to stop over and I really want her to suggest me stopping over off her own minds-back -- you know - when shes ready and comfortable with it. That would actually be the perfect weekend for me. Going to hers on a friday, chilling out with her, staying over, then us doing something on the saturday. Heh. Oh well.

Could always buy her a desk and chair from ikea or something :P - lol - wtf am I on?!?!

She likes reading.... so I could buy her a nice bedside lamp. Something thats nice and bright for reading by, but not too bright that it burns her retinas.

OhoOh oOh! ... crap... what was it ... OoH - a new alarm clock! she said she needed one ... did she say "needed" - either that or she wanted a new one. but do i really want to be associated with the pain and suffering of getting up early in the morning?? lol.

Scented candles for the bathroom? Well. hmmm neh.

I shall have to ponder this further....

What a crap-tacular day!

Hoi-ness.

Been all over the place today. So much so, I actually don't want to blog and go into details.

All I really want to do is chill out with (A) - let her cheer me up without even trying. Shes good like that :)

So much that thinking about her brings a smile to my face :p heh

Nurgh...

I think I should post a new blog. But to be honest, I have a throbbing bad head and as such, have no intention of posting much.

So what did I do today? Drove 174 miles. What will I do tomorrow? Probably exactly the same.

Met up with (A) tonight. It was her birthday today, though kinda annoyingly her parents got her the same present I had lined up. Plan .. um... G? I have no idea. Dang it! I'll come up with something, I'm sure.
Anyways, her Dr friend was taking her out to a concert at the sage. First time I met him. I want to say he seems like a nice guy and, lets face it, he must be alright otherwise (A) wouldn't talk to him. But. Me being me. I don't trust him at all. Then again, its extremely rare for me to trust anyone.
Anyways, I'm getting off point. Its was kind of a formal occasion, so naturally (A) got dressed up. Now, don't get me wrong and I'm going to be blunt and honest, I think (A) is extremely beautiful to start with. When dressed up...

...well...


... wow ...

...she is gaspingly, amazingly, jaw dropping, head banging, heart stoppingly beautiful.

I kinda hope she realises it, but I think she tends to play is kinda modest. Which is cool. But wowsers. So hot and elegant.

I could go on, but lets face it, I should probably stop.

I kinda think there might be something there. Like shes attracted to me, but just wants to play it as being friends to start with and see how things go, but that said, I am utterly rubbish at interpreting these "signals" so theres an equal chance she just wants to be friends forever (or until she gets really bored with me).

I think I could see us having a relationship, though. I dunno. Something just doesn't quite click in my head. (Yeah, like you couldn't have guessed!)

Maybes its just the headache talking. This subject is probably best left until later.

Podness

Theres something I like about quite a few of the recent photos I've taken. They strike me as being simplistically better than those I've gone out and taken. Maybes thats what I'm good at - taking photos of products :p

Had a nice talk with (K). Literally, it was a nice talk. I still find it bizzare she wants to talk to me. Still. Hey. I'm happy enough going along with it.

Haven't heard off (A) for a day or so. She did log into her mypace (or atleast someone did) so I'm just guessing she wants sometimes alone or something like that. I do try to avoid being clingy. Hmmm.

Time for a new blog

Its a bit chilly in my room again today. Looks like bad weather outside too which is nice.

Sarted talking to a lass on the web ... lets call her (K). To be honest, the few times I've tried talking to her she hasn't seem overly bothered and I suspect it going to be the same as all (except (A)!) the others.... I try to talk and converse with her, she only sends back pointless, conversation stopping short sentences and one words. Yet when confronted about this, she does seem to give the impression that she wants to talk to me. Hmm. Well, if it keeps going, I'm just not gonna talk to her. Meh. Said it before, if someone isn't willing to make the effort to talk to me, why should I make any effort to talk to him or her.

Also, yesterday, went xmas shopping. Bought the usual generic xmas crap - DVDs etc etc. From what I've bought so far, I have parents sorted in part, and brother sorted in part. I know what else I'm getting for parents for downstairs. I also know what I'm getting (A), but I can't decide wether should let her choose it or if I should just choose it. We seem to have very similar tastes so I don't think I'd be too far off the mark if I just chose it and kept it as a supprise.
This year its getting really hard to think up presents for people. Bro can get discount off the stuff he wants where he works, so money might just be a good thing along with the pressy. As for parents. Well its always hard to choose anything for them. That said, I don't think they'll see my pressys coming.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA..... I really want to move out of home.

New photos

A couple more in my library.... click on either photo go there...

I've possibly got that Friday feeling...

I wonder how many times I've said the word "feeling" in my life...? Probably not enough.

Its Friday. I'm alone in the office. Its 08:54. I know (D) is going to be late because he texted me. I can assume (P) will be late too and (M) doesn't come in until later on anyways. But (M) does stay later so I kinda guess that makes up for it in some way... though atleast he gets to avoid traffic generally speaking.

I was wondering why I started to blog again. I realise that its simply a medium to let me get my thoughts out of my head and my emotions out of my heart. Blogging does indeed make me feel alittle better, like I'm able to talk to someone, even if the only person I am indeed talking to, is myself. I actually don't know how many people read my blog, or if anyone does - fullstop. I kinda hope people do read it, but if they don't, well... whatchya gonna do.

I texted (A) just before I started writing this. I asked her if she thought I was " attractive / good looking " ... part of me thinks that was a mistake .... part of me just doesn't care. I mean, is it too much to ask for - to be loved, to feel loved to have someone want you in all the ways the mind can imagine? I don't think so. Don't get me wrong. I'm a believer in the whole "theres someone for everyone" type philosophies but I'm not so niave that I believe everyone will find their "perfect partner" or even someone who comes vaguely close in their life time - and to those people, I freely and openly offer my sympathies because, if they do become bothered by it in whatever way, its probably gonna hit 'em hard and leave a mark.

Meh. Boss turned up with that fsking annoying dog again. I wish he bloody well wouldnt bring it in!