so anyways

i've got myself an xbox 360 and signed up to xbox live. its only about £5 a month which, isn't too bad.

my bro has an xbox 360 too. he also wants to be on xb live, but doesnt want to pay for it. anyways. i'm sitting in my bedroom, enjoying playing online when he wanders in. first off, i just want him to fuck off because i'm busy actually enjoying myself and secondly, i know hes just going to come and nag on about wanting a go, again, all i want him to do is fuck off and leave me alone.

to be civil and keep life easy, i figure i'll let him play a match or two. he plays one match, then keeps the headset so he can "chat" (or to everyone else, not so much "chat" as "annoy the hell out of") to everyone in the game.

wanker.

then of course, mother wanders in. again, why? you know i hate people in my room, i dont just wander into their rooms and make myself comfortable. so she, yet again is all like "ooh, i want to watch you play this sometime! are you talking to other people around the world? tell them i dont like tom cruise!" - at which point i'm trying to hold my utter fustration in, and not to sound too -whatever- but i manage it. i keep my cool.

but they know it annoys me when they just talk about shit, my mother now becoming especially good at it. "oh great, yeah, eat less then" - whilst in my head i'm thinking "i just dont care, i just dont care, i just dont care".

seriousally. i just do not care. they're always complaining about stuff that they CAN change, but yet don't. and its so fucking pointless just saying that because then they go off in a huff and bug the fuck out of me even more.

yes. i know i'm using bad langue alot, but the point is to try and release some of my fustration.

so anyways. bro seems to want an xb live connection for his, which if we had a faster net connection, not just 2meg adsl, i wouldn't mind. but its just a 2meg adsl connection, with a 212kb -ish uplink speed. its not designed to handle 2 xb live connections at once, and combined with him always having no fucking concideration for others, downloading shit all the time, clogging up the bandwidth... adding another xb live account, would just be too much. he really is a fucking wanker when it comes to concideration for others.

thing is, i dont know if its worth while looking into adsl routers with port-bandwidth limiting capacities, because it is just a 2meg adsl connection.

it was supposed to be going upto 6/8meg, but BT seem to have completey forgotton / ignored the fact we have asked for it, weeks before xmas too!

i dunno. i hate living at home!

cutting doesnt help

the blood flows.
it doesnt help.
but what do you care.
why should you care?
i'm just someone.
you don't care about me.
why should i care about myself.
you told me you loved me.
then you left.
you broke my heart.
so i'll break my skin.
either way.
the pain is still here.
pounding on my heart.
am i depressed?
i dont know.
can i help it?
i dont know.
i throw away the blade.
one blade for one regret. one heart breaking, pounding, regret.
but who am i?
i dont know.
i thought i did.
i though i had it all figured out and knew what was wrong.
now i dont.
i dont care.
the blood is flowing.
i hope for scars.
not for attention but as a reminder about a memory i dont want.
why remind myself about stuff i dont want to remember?
i dont know.
i doubt i'll have any scars.
i dont scar easy.
do i cut deeper?
the risk of doing real damage to my arm scares me.
but you dont care.
then again, do i?
i dont know.
no.
i dont care.
i won't do it tonight.
i'll do it later.
when i'm alone.
its not going away.
the blood solidifies on my arm.
its beautiful.
its me.
i'm not beautiful.
people dont want me.
i dont want me.
figures.
the only time people talk to me is when they want something.
why should you want me outside of being able to help you?
its not like i have emotions and feelings.
its scarcasm. of course i do.
but why should you care about them.
why should you come and make the effort to make sure i'm alright.
i look at my arm again and pause.
its friday.
i have no friends.
i sit here.
listening to music.
its what i do nearly every night.
cant remember the last time anyone wanted to meet up with me.
can't remember the last time i felt wanted or loved.
though i can remember when i was needed.
just needed.
to fix your broken computer.
that was all.
i yawn.
i'm sleepy again.
maybes its because theres a pool of blood on the desk now.
maybes its because i work so hard to make people happy.
who wanted to make me happy.
no one.
not you.
you only want whats best for you.
philosophical.
some say most people are good at heart, will do the right, good thing.
where are they?
i dont know where.
who cares.
not you.

no specific title

when i started to keep this blog, i wanted to update it every couple of days. starting to waver quite a bit. its sad really. i'm sitting here listening to Avril Lavigne drinking cola through a straw out of a can... and its the highlight of my day.
i was thinking about playing on my xbox, but i know i'd just end up getting fustrated at it and even more fed up. either that or i'd get really into it and end up playing it until 5am, grab a couple of hours sleep, then be completely knackered tomorrow.

i'm down in stockton - type area - tomorrow. i dont want to go. i know i'm going to end up getting plastered with questions i dont really know how to answer and have to blag answers. i suck. meh. i'm always so aware that theres so much i dont know how to do.

still. atleast its friday, then i can waste the weekend being alone in my bedroom. hurray. bedroom. aloneness.

we're also supposed to be having a staff meeting tomorrow. maybes we'll talk about me getting a small raise, or how my 6 month probation period has gone. maybes talk about me getting a van. knowing my luck i wont get a van. hell knowing my luck they'll probably lay me off.

i'm so sick of being me.

Maybes now is the time for a new post...

I always feel compelled to write in this diary in the hopes that one day someone will come and... I dunno... give me what I want. Realising the reality of it all though, just makes my head pound.

Lately I've been talking alot to (AW). Thought we were going to become kinda good friends. But thats not to be. Hmm. If she can't meet up with me in real life, then why bother. That combined with knowing all she wants to do is drink, smoke and party - kill herself and all the people around her. Nice huh. It could have been cool. But when the hell is anything in my life cool or simple.

(A) is feeling down. Well thats actually a massive understatement, but its not my place to say more in a public forum. I'm kinda hoping in about 5 months she'll ask me to move in. Though I doubt it'll happen. Which sucks. I'm still planning on moving out, but the market within my parameters sucks. I mean it really sucks. Though I'm still keeping an eye out for places. But shes off back down south to see and stay with family for a bit. Hey. You gotta do what you gotta do.

Work sucks too. Had a really bad family give us all alot of grief. Claimed we broke the laptop when we didn't. Meh.

Been thinking about cutting again. Even to the point where i went out and bought some new blades and a first aid kit. Of course, mum saw them so i blagged it off as me having bought them for someone at work. The trouble is I don't wanna cut while theres other people in the house incase they walk in. (Yes, I basically have no privicy, which is reason - whatever- why I want to move out, i'm 22 yet they treat me like i'm 10 - stupid fucks). And I don't wanna drive out somewhere because if i loose too much blood, well, part of me thinks thats a bad thing, another part thinks "well hey, atleast i'll be dead".
Knowing my luck if i started again i'd end up slicing a nerve or something and cabbage my ability to use which ever had, which in turn would cabbage my ability to do my job - which of course, would mean i couldn't work with the company anymore.

Hmmmm.

I miss (T). I keep looking at her FP account. She was on the otherday. I sent her a message. I doubt she'll respond. Shes probably forgotton about me, either that or I'm just some crappy memory she ignores. I don't see myself getting into a relationship anytime soon, I mean, who would want to date me.

hmm.

whatever

shitty day gone shitter. hate everything. everything is pointless.

Back to work!

Its all back to work now. Ho hum. Didn't sleep at all last night so I know come mid-day I'm going to be absolutely nackered.

The good thing is that because I never slept, I didn't have to get up, which ment early morning shower and out the door by 8am which meant avoiding any traffic :P