emotionaldefect

tis been a while

2007-06-18T15:02:00.000Z

i'm back in my cave. everything is getting to me and i'm having trouble keeping on top of it all. i hate living at home. i don't enjoy work anymore... well atleast for today. i'm tired and fed up. thankfully its only an hour until i go home. promtly. at 5pm. i just have no motivation to do ANY over time today.

dont worry.....

2007-05-27T23:54:00.000Z

.... its only me thats breaking here

Its been a while

2007-05-19T22:12:00.000Z

Its been a while since i last blogged on here.

i'm single again. i hate it. i hate being me - a failure. all i do now is work to keep my mind occupied. work and sleep. i've found thinking about things - myself - my life is pointless, as is trying to fix whats wrong in my life.

i hate living at home. i hate my family. tomorrow i'm going to down to london for the week. i'm looking foward to the break away from the people up here.

i've stared to cut again on my legs. i dont care who knows. its not a cry for help. its how i cope. the job is so stressful. i'm just managing to keep my head above the water and most circumstances i enter into are way above my skills and knowledge.

i want to cry. all the time. working keeps my mind off it. i figure i'm probably going to drive myself into a mental break down. i dont care. no one cares about me so why should i care about myself. its a rhetorical question. i dont care about myself or how i am.

all i aim for now is mental and physical numbness. i keep a photo of me and my ex on the speaker by my monitor. a reminder of what a true fuckup i am, what i've lost and why i should just stay single.

i hate everything.

things are looking up...

2007-02-10T05:03:00.000Z

... started dating a lass. shes awesome :) and true, my job situation is rocky at the moment (they're probably closing the branch / maybe a rescue plan in the works to save mine and D's jobs - but then again not sure if i want to keep working for them) but I really don't care all that much. There's other jobs out there.

At the moment tho I'm suffering from a bit of a cold so been nearly O.D'ing on flu and cold meds. All of which are disgusting and all of which I hate and loathe.

Still. I have a girlfriend :D

so anyways

2007-01-16T00:45:00.000Z

i've got myself an xbox 360 and signed up to xbox live. its only about £5 a month which, isn't too bad.

my bro has an xbox 360 too. he also wants to be on xb live, but doesnt want to pay for it. anyways. i'm sitting in my bedroom, enjoying playing online when he wanders in. first off, i just want him to fuck off because i'm busy actually enjoying myself and secondly, i know hes just going to come and nag on about wanting a go, again, all i want him to do is fuck off and leave me alone.

to be civil and keep life easy, i figure i'll let him play a match or two. he plays one match, then keeps the headset so he can "chat" (or to everyone else, not so much "chat" as "annoy the hell out of") to everyone in the game.

wanker.

then of course, mother wanders in. again, why? you know i hate people in my room, i dont just wander into their rooms and make myself comfortable. so she, yet again is all like "ooh, i want to watch you play this sometime! are you talking to other people around the world? tell them i dont like tom cruise!" - at which point i'm trying to hold my utter fustration in, and not to sound too -whatever- but i manage it. i keep my cool.

but they know it annoys me when they just talk about shit, my mother now becoming especially good at it. "oh great, yeah, eat less then" - whilst in my head i'm thinking "i just dont care, i just dont care, i just dont care".

seriousally. i just do not care. they're always complaining about stuff that they CAN change, but yet don't. and its so fucking pointless just saying that because then they go off in a huff and bug the fuck out of me even more.

yes. i know i'm using bad langue alot, but the point is to try and release some of my fustration.

so anyways. bro seems to want an xb live connection for his, which if we had a faster net connection, not just 2meg adsl, i wouldn't mind. but its just a 2meg adsl connection, with a 212kb -ish uplink speed. its not designed to handle 2 xb live connections at once, and combined with him always having no fucking concideration for others, downloading shit all the time, clogging up the bandwidth... adding another xb live account, would just be too much. he really is a fucking wanker when it comes to concideration for others.

thing is, i dont know if its worth while looking into adsl routers with port-bandwidth limiting capacities, because it is just a 2meg adsl connection.

it was supposed to be going upto 6/8meg, but BT seem to have completey forgotton / ignored the fact we have asked for it, weeks before xmas too!

i dunno. i hate living at home!

cutting doesnt help

2007-01-12T22:11:00.000Z

the blood flows.
it doesnt help.
but what do you care.
why should you care?
i'm just someone.
you don't care about me.
why should i care about myself.
you told me you loved me.
then you left.
you broke my heart.
so i'll break my skin.
either way.
the pain is still here.
pounding on my heart.
am i depressed?
i dont know.
can i help it?
i dont know.
i throw away the blade.
one blade for one regret. one heart breaking, pounding, regret.
but who am i?
i dont know.
i thought i did.
i though i had it all figured out and knew what was wrong.
now i dont.
i dont care.
the blood is flowing.
i hope for scars.
not for attention but as a reminder about a memory i dont want.
why remind myself about stuff i dont want to remember?
i dont know.
i doubt i'll have any scars.
i dont scar easy.
do i cut deeper?
the risk of doing real damage to my arm scares me.
but you dont care.
then again, do i?
i dont know.
no.
i dont care.
i won't do it tonight.
i'll do it later.
when i'm alone.
its not going away.
the blood solidifies on my arm.
its beautiful.
its me.
i'm not beautiful.
people dont want me.
i dont want me.
figures.
the only time people talk to me is when they want something.
why should you want me outside of being able to help you?
its not like i have emotions and feelings.
its scarcasm. of course i do.
but why should you care about them.
why should you come and make the effort to make sure i'm alright.
i look at my arm again and pause.
its friday.
i have no friends.
i sit here.
listening to music.
its what i do nearly every night.
cant remember the last time anyone wanted to meet up with me.
can't remember the last time i felt wanted or loved.
though i can remember when i was needed.
just needed.
to fix your broken computer.
that was all.
i yawn.
i'm sleepy again.
maybes its because theres a pool of blood on the desk now.
maybes its because i work so hard to make people happy.
who wanted to make me happy.
no one.
not you.
you only want whats best for you.
philosophical.
some say most people are good at heart, will do the right, good thing.
where are they?
i dont know where.
who cares.
not you.

no specific title

2007-01-11T23:58:00.000Z

when i started to keep this blog, i wanted to update it every couple of days. starting to waver quite a bit. its sad really. i'm sitting here listening to Avril Lavigne drinking cola through a straw out of a can... and its the highlight of my day.
i was thinking about playing on my xbox, but i know i'd just end up getting fustrated at it and even more fed up. either that or i'd get really into it and end up playing it until 5am, grab a couple of hours sleep, then be completely knackered tomorrow.

i'm down in stockton - type area - tomorrow. i dont want to go. i know i'm going to end up getting plastered with questions i dont really know how to answer and have to blag answers. i suck. meh. i'm always so aware that theres so much i dont know how to do.

still. atleast its friday, then i can waste the weekend being alone in my bedroom. hurray. bedroom. aloneness.

we're also supposed to be having a staff meeting tomorrow. maybes we'll talk about me getting a small raise, or how my 6 month probation period has gone. maybes talk about me getting a van. knowing my luck i wont get a van. hell knowing my luck they'll probably lay me off.

i'm so sick of being me.

Maybes now is the time for a new post...

2007-01-07T01:38:00.000Z

I always feel compelled to write in this diary in the hopes that one day someone will come and... I dunno... give me what I want. Realising the reality of it all though, just makes my head pound.

Lately I've been talking alot to (AW). Thought we were going to become kinda good friends. But thats not to be. Hmm. If she can't meet up with me in real life, then why bother. That combined with knowing all she wants to do is drink, smoke and party - kill herself and all the people around her. Nice huh. It could have been cool. But when the hell is anything in my life cool or simple.

(A) is feeling down. Well thats actually a massive understatement, but its not my place to say more in a public forum. I'm kinda hoping in about 5 months she'll ask me to move in. Though I doubt it'll happen. Which sucks. I'm still planning on moving out, but the market within my parameters sucks. I mean it really sucks. Though I'm still keeping an eye out for places. But shes off back down south to see and stay with family for a bit. Hey. You gotta do what you gotta do.

Work sucks too. Had a really bad family give us all alot of grief. Claimed we broke the laptop when we didn't. Meh.

Been thinking about cutting again. Even to the point where i went out and bought some new blades and a first aid kit. Of course, mum saw them so i blagged it off as me having bought them for someone at work. The trouble is I don't wanna cut while theres other people in the house incase they walk in. (Yes, I basically have no privicy, which is reason - whatever- why I want to move out, i'm 22 yet they treat me like i'm 10 - stupid fucks). And I don't wanna drive out somewhere because if i loose too much blood, well, part of me thinks thats a bad thing, another part thinks "well hey, atleast i'll be dead".
Knowing my luck if i started again i'd end up slicing a nerve or something and cabbage my ability to use which ever had, which in turn would cabbage my ability to do my job - which of course, would mean i couldn't work with the company anymore.

Hmmmm.

I miss (T). I keep looking at her FP account. She was on the otherday. I sent her a message. I doubt she'll respond. Shes probably forgotton about me, either that or I'm just some crappy memory she ignores. I don't see myself getting into a relationship anytime soon, I mean, who would want to date me.

hmm.

whatever

2007-01-02T19:58:00.000Z

shitty day gone shitter. hate everything. everything is pointless.

Back to work!

2007-01-02T08:52:00.000Z

Its all back to work now. Ho hum. Didn't sleep at all last night so I know come mid-day I'm going to be absolutely nackered.

The good thing is that because I never slept, I didn't have to get up, which ment early morning shower and out the door by 8am which meant avoiding any traffic :P

it occurs to me....

2006-12-31T03:03:00.000Z

.... that no one really gives a shit about me. so why should i give a shit about myself?

why the hell should i try and fix my flaws if its not going to make a blind bit of difference to myself.

(A) hasn't texted me ... or called ... or visited for a while. I don't know if I should be feeling pissed off... or worried... or if I just shouldn't give a crap. Or. A mixture of everything. Its getting to the point where I'm going and visiting her and always making the effort. Yeah, I'm being hypocritical beause I don't mind, gets me out the house, away from the family who I can't stand, and I get to spend time with her and Ben. But its turning into an (L) situation where I'm making all the effort. Its starting to be a drag again. Its really starting to get to me. But I can't tell her this because I don't want to risk making her feel bad.

I dunno. Its sunday tomorrow. I might just go and see her. Texting her seems to be pointless 90% of the time these days... *sigh* ... fuck it all

I think I should post a new blog....

2006-12-27T21:47:00.000Z

... But to be honest, nothing notable has happened. (A) went away to her family over xmas and on her return has brought back her dad with her. As such I haven't seen her for about a week now. I guess this has led to my re-founded likings and fustrations of online gaming.

Hmm. Yeah. Thats it really. Feel like crap.

Ah look!

2006-12-25T00:25:00.000Z

Its Christmas Day.

Whatever.

Back on track?

2006-12-24T01:01:00.000Z

Well, things seem to be getting back on track with (A). She hasn't texted me for a while. So many reasons why she may not have done. I didn't ask her when I went around to hers tonight why she hasn't been.

I want to think she hasn't because she wanted me to visit and this was her way of saying "come around to mine" - because she knows I do that if I don't hear from her for a while. Chances are, its probably just been because she's been busy. Either way, just aslong as she's alright - thats the main thing.

She's gone back down to visit her family over xmas. She didn't want to go and I didn't want her to either. We has this plan that I was going to escape to hers and spend most of xmas day with her and her cat watching crap on tv eatting cerial - dam it!

Still. Whatchya gonna do.

Apparently her dad is supposidly coming up to visit her new place. She's in theory, coming back up on Wed 27th and he, in theory is going to stay a day or two. I'm hoping he doesn't. I know its mean, but I want to spend time with (A). Plus if her dad comes up, more than likely she'll be driving him back down which will take up another day or two. Which would suck.

Apparently we're supposed to be back in work on Tuesday 2nd January. That seems very soon after New Years day to be open for business again. Ho hum. Hence my wanting to spend time with (A). During the day. When I can actually send time with her and go off to do stuff, like walking around and such things.

Its that time of the month again....

2006-12-21T21:22:00.000Z

...Specifically December.... when Christmas is getting closer .... I hate Christmas.

Tomorrow we're open half day. Then we close for business until Jan 4th. Woot. I'm taking time off.

I don't know whats happening with (A) at the moment. Shes very distant and it just feels like I'm trying to force the friendship.

I don't know.

So things are looking up....

2006-12-19T21:29:00.000Z

Went and met up with (A) - shes ... well... (A)-ly. But I think things are looking up and moving along.

Tomorrow I'm installing and upgrading a ton of stuff at a company. I'm actually kinda scared because I only vaguely know what I'm doing for it, so alot of its going to be improvised on the spot. Plus I just know theres going to be f-ing hundreds of problems and bugs to sort out. Curse you (M)! Why couldn't you just do it! You know more than I about the install!

Still. Its almost xmas.... its almost... time ... to close up the workshop... yeah, if only.

I hate being me.

2006-12-17T20:52:00.000Z

Yep. Messed things up with (A). Put your hand up if you're not supprised....

*watches everyone in the world put both hands and arms up*

Sometimes, even though life through the lens can look beautiful, mine is just filled with blackness, self-hate and emotional mutilation.

Photo!

2006-12-15T22:06:00.000Z

Mook! Mookkkkk!

Okay, so I really need to get out during the day and get some more photos! Will probably drag (A) along with me sometime ;)

Trouble is I work weekdays, and with the days so short, nights so long, its hard finding the time to get out and about. Yeah theres the weekends, but you know .... hmmm ... I don't.

I know at night there's interesting stuff that can be photographed, but I personally prefer going out during the day to take photos.

Hmmmmm. Still, not next week, but the week after, I've got some holiday time coming up over the christmas which I plan to take... I could go in, and I may go in for a day or two because we / the technical department / I am up to the eyes (as they say) with repairs and (M) is away for a few weeks.... which ... pretty much just leaves me with all these repairs.

That said, I don't mind too much and he doesn't take much in the way of holidays anyways. Plus most of them have been diagnosed, so it shouldn't be too bad... just ... kinda alot to do >.<

So last night....

2006-12-15T09:22:00.000Z

I was back in my own bed in my parents ( , my house ) .... I didn't like it. It was crap.

Time for a new blog me thinks...

2006-12-14T13:23:00.000Z

So last night me and (A) sat up for most of the night working on a project for her. Not going to say what it was :P But the end result was pretty cool. If I have more spare time at the end of the day before 5pm, I'm going to work on it alittle bit more.

I ended up sleeping over. What a brilliant nights sleep I had! Didn't have any family bugging me, wandering in when I'm trying to sleep, no dad bursting in at 7.30 ... to tell me its 7.30 ... and that hes going to work. And on top of that, it probably took me slightly less time to actually get into work than it would have from my house!

I honestly wish I could move in with her! I'd be so happy even playing to be in a room smaller than I'm in! Still, I know she values her independence and alone-ness - so I'll probably just mention it in about 5 ... 6 months, see what she says. I also know sometimes she has other friends who stay over, so uses the spare room for them. Ho hum.

Still, she seems happier and I'm happier. I like it when shes happy. Oddly enough....

Yeah, I'm totally in love.

Sucks....

2006-12-11T20:10:00.000Z

... So (A) is depressed. She suffers from it. I understand. I do. I know how it feels. But I just think she's just leaving me out of pretty much everything....

I decided to just go around to her house, maybes see if I could cheer her up alittle. Okay, so I'm not going to be the solution to her depression, but I know its been kinda bad over the past couple of days. Anyways. Turns out she went out last night with (J) and even though she doesn't overly feel upto it tonight, she might go and see him play the violin tonight. At a bar. Yet over the past week or so, I've hardly seen her, hardly heard from her. I mean... seriousally.. what the fuck. And its so obvious to me that shes ... well.. not neccesarrily "up for" going out and doing stuff with other people, even though she is, but just ... letting me drift.

This always fucking happens. I meet someone, think we're going to get along really well, and then a few weeks in, I actually start to wonder if I actually know this person.

Of course I can't talk to her about how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking because she's trying to get back on the level.

Fuck it. I'm just going to leave it. If she wants to stay friends, shes the one whos going to have to put some effort in.

This always, without fail, happens to me. Might as well just bloody well kill myself.

BAH! HUMBUG!

2006-12-11T09:26:00.000Z

Yep, I'm now a dis-liker of christmas. Though I do get pressys and holidays, so I guess that makes me less of a loather, and indeed merely a dis-liker of the season.

Come January, I will know if I've passed my "6 month probation period" - then I'll start asking for a van again :P - yeah I know I'll have to pay - but is should, in theory, at the moment, work out cheaper than owning my own car. Plus, it should be a better vehicle. Anyhoo, this is getting off track a bit - what I was meaning to say, is that I'm planning on taking a couple of days holiday. I plan to take off 3 work days, surrounding a weekend ( so it could be : thurs, fri, sat, sun, mon : or fri, sat, sun, mon, tues :) - so kind like a long weekend + 1 day.

But am going to talk to (A) first, see what she has to say on the subject.

Always just the friend....

2006-12-09T22:48:00.000Z

Fuck sakes.

Whatever.

Fucking stupid me. Whats the point in having fucking emotions. Seriousally. So pointless me having them or trying to be happy. Who am I kidding? Always ends up the same way.

Eh, fuck all you people who just view and don't comment.

Gah! my stomach!

2006-12-09T10:37:00.000Z

I keep getting these short lived, stabbing pains in my upper abdomen! They're painful.

When I've mentioned it to people, I've had all the answers back - its a hernia, its weak muscle that needs to be tightened with stretching ... blah blah blah

It may also be my new trousers. Now, I know what you're thinking - "oo-er-kinky?" - but nope. Normally I buy trousers that are nice, big and baggy. My new trousers are more fitted around the waist, but with room - still kinda long and baggy :P So I'm wearing my other trousers to see if I still get the pains.

That said. I sometimes get them while I'm laying in bed, which makes me think they're not trouser related.

Anyhoo, now for a photo...

The best thing about being wet....

2006-12-07T15:34:00.000Z

.... Is that you can't really touch the computers.... because you're wet... and its raining... and theres no hair dryer here :P